January 16, 2013 § 2 Comments
I used to wonder if Christianity was all that it promised itself to be… Offering freedom, all-encompassing love, eternity… All these things I didn’t even understand (and still don’t) so how could they be so easily promised or offered? Then I also used to think, “Do I really want to be like people I know at church or read about in Christian books?” No, because they don’t seem so different from me or No again because even if they do seem happy they don’t seem to have very enviable lives. I don’t want that. No sir.
But then God had mercy on…
I’m not sure what kind of life I was living before – I try to imagine who I could have been and I can’t really imagine. But sometimes, when I meet someone new or chat with a friend I am suddenly reminded that “Wow, God saved my life.” In these moments, I remember very clearly who I used to be and I can imagine who I could/should have been if God had not chosen me…a bird without a perch.
It’s like my whole life has slowed down now. My mind works at half the speed it used to and I’m sure my heart beats slower too. I think I used to struggle a lot with trying to change the rules/doctrine and redefine them because they weren’t very attractive to my “outside people” so I felt it was my duty to make them more pretty and charming… Hehe, I think it was because I wanted to be pretty and charming so I thought they should match me. But all that really did was make me less focussed on the truth and more tired because I am not able to make or create new truth… To be kind to myself, I didn’t know I was doing that. I’m pretty sure I thought I was searching for better truth.